Anonymous asked:
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lovemysub answered:
Hi, anon!
Let me be as clear as I can be here: your safety should and does override every other possible concern in this situation, including his wants and needs. I’m glad you are wanting to vet this person because it’s important.
First, know that vetting is very common in the BDSM world. It’s a practice that is accepted among community members as normal and natural. If you are going to be potentially putting yourself in a compromising position, you want to know who you are handing that power to.
If this guy claims to be an experienced dominant, you need to be asking him about his experience with the local community and past partners. Do NOT be afraid to ask for names of past partners, and when he gives you these names, do NOT be afraid to reach out to them via social media. If he says he’s active in the local community, reach out to community leaders (you can find out who they are by checking the “Events” tab on fetlife and see who is consistently organizing munches and play parties in your area) and ask those leaders if they know this guy and about his reputation.
I know it can seem awkward to reach out to a stranger asking about a potential partner, but I promise you this is normal and accepted in our world. Community leaders understand vetting and are generally happy to help. And it’s important, too- a friend of mine just recently went through a situation where she was seeing this “dom” who had claimed to be a bigshot in their local kink community at a specific dungeon. He had refused to take this person to the dungeon because she “wasn’t ready yet and needed more training”. When she ran into one of the dungeon leaders by chance and asked about her partner, it turned out nobody knew who he was and he’d never even set foot in that dungeon.
My point is that lying is super easy and if this potential partner of yours has nothing to hide, he won’t mind you looking into him. Some, like myself, even insist on it.
Back before @belovedsangi and I reconnected, I had relationships with other submissive partners. Any time I began a new relationship, I would make sure they knew exactly who I was. Not because I would tell them. Because I would give them references and insist that they check into me. I told them where I had grown up, where I lived, where I worked, where I had gone to school. Before a first play meeting, I would send them a picture of my driver’s license so they knew my full legal name and my address. I’d tell them to look into anything they wanted to and make sure they texted my ID picture to a friend. It was all about full disclosure and making sure that my new partners felt safe. I knew I had nothing to hide, but I wanted *them* to know that as well.
And I get that people at this point may be saying things like “well what about privacy? This seems invasive”. To which I say this: you can certainly have all the privacy you want with strangers, acquaintances, friends, etc. But the moment you are proposing tying someone up and engaging in kink play in a private setting, you are no longer entitled to privacy. They deserve to know exactly who you are.
Now, in addition to vetting through others, you should also be vetting this guy through yourself as well. Do NOT meet with him for a first encounter in a hotel or at his house. Have lunch. Have coffee. Do it in a public place in the daytime and get to know him as a person. Don’t do it just once, either. Make sure you have at least a few extended personal encounters with this guy before you put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation. See how he is in person. Look for red-flag behavior. Watch how he treats servers and baristas. See how willing he is to get to know you, not just your kinks.
If he is unwilling to engage in any of this- the vetting, the public dates, the disclosure, etc…that’s a huge red flag and you should stay away. A man with nothing to hide won’t mind you knowing things about him and will want to get to know you. Above all, don’t fall for the biggest bullshit line out there- “I don’t tell people details about me because of my career”. It’s a shitty power move made in an attempt to make themselves seem mysterious and important. But trust me, I’ve seen some horrific shit in my time in this community- don’t ever let your play partner be a mystery to you.
Stay safe, anon!
-LMS
Popping this one over here too, as part of the reason we run this blog is to encourage safe behavior. If you follow the vetting process above, it’s going to weed out a *lot* of the types of assholes we feature on this blog.
-LMS
A good Daddy or Dom will want you know this too. It’s not just about wanting you to feel safe it’s about wanting you to be safe too.
Don’t know if every responsible top feels this way, but knowing that you take responsibility for your own safety before we meet makes it easier to take responsibility from you when you surrender it.
@oldenoughtobeyourfather, that’s a really good point and I should’ve included something along those lines in the original post. As a dominant, knowing that a play partner has taken that responsibility to vet me and to go into the situation with her eyes wide open sets *me* at ease too. It allows me to take the reigns when they are handed to me without hesitation. Thank you for bringing that up.
-LMS
My Favorite tease is to eat you out while making you read a book aloud.
If you stop, I stop.
Anonymous asked:
instructor144 answered:
She’s obviously dealing with a fair bit of “separation anxiety.” Give her a lot of your presence, and give the leash frequent tugs to help her feel safe and settled.
BDSMlr
Continuing to update my BDSMlr account (https://avidlylearning.bdsmlr.com/) I’ve already started to see plenty of familiar faces. Drop me a follow or a like on there so I can follow you back.
Veterans Crisis Line #
1-800-273-8255 and then press #1 for veterans crisis line
THANK YOU for submitting this one! I appreciate it!!
“He made her laugh during sex…it’s suppose to be fun… He also made it hard for to walk afterwards…”
— coachmw–Thoughts of a Silver Fox
Just to clarify
In BDSM there are three separate forms of power exchange. In no particular order:
- Sadism & Masochism
- Topping & Bottoming
- Domination & Submission
Sadism & Masochism is the exchange of power through pain. Spanking, flogging, whipping, caning, CBT, nipple torture, even rough sex. Like feeling a little pain with your pleasure? You’re a masochist. Does making someone hurt bring you pleasure? You’re a sadist. Can you be both? Absolutely. I think most of us are, in subtle ways. (My Domme pointed out it was rather sadistic of me to tease my dog with a treat to make him do cute tricks.)
Topping & Bottoming is the exchange of power through sex. One of you is in control of the situation, whether it’s just for this roll in the hay, or every single time with your partner. That person is topping. The passive, or controlled one is bottoming. So if it’s being held down or tied up during sex, or begging for an orgasm, or edging someone until they cry… that is sexual power exchange. Can you be a top and a bottom? Oh, yes, you can. You can even do it in the same romp, if that’s what works for you and your partner.
Domination & Submission is the exchange of power through emotions and intimacy. D/s (the shorthand for this) is about rules, structure, discipline, and protocol. And that can be as intense as a 24/7 Master/slave relationship, or as simple as calling your husband ‘Sir’ or ‘Daddy’ because he said so. In between is a WORLD of amazing ways to exchange power mentally.
Rules are set in place with a purpose -not just because they’re sexy. Rules are things like: Check in via text when you leave work (so I know you’re on the road and shouldn’t text). Send a photo of your outfit every morning (so I can see how beautiful you look today, and compliment you). Work out four times a week (because I want to help you stay healthy).
Protocols are similar, they are standards of behavior, such as the way you talk to and address your partner, hand them a drink, carry yourself when others are around, or present yourself to them in varying situations. Protocols are brilliant for reinforcing the D/s dynamic. Broadly speaking, you’re not often reminded of protocols unless you misstep. So something as simple as remembering to stand to your girlfriend’s left and wait quietly if she’s talking to someone at a party can reinforce your submission to her.
Discipline is about reinforcing the dynamic and enforcing rules and protocols. Mistakes are made, rules forgotten. We’re all human. That is when discipline comes in. The transgression is addressed, punishment handed out, and then the slate is wiped clean. Add in some affection after the fact and you’ve just reinforced everything you are working towards together. The intimacy required for this is pretty damn intense, and it’s important to know each other well before diving in.
Structure is key in a D/s dynamic, because without consistency, it can all fall apart. Rules that aren’t enforced are unlikely to be followed. A Dom who allows his sub to get away with everything isn’t likely to keep the respect he has earned. And respect and reverence are part and parcel of the whole kneeling thing. Likewise, a submissive who is constantly fighting the rules she agreed to isn’t respecting the dynamic, and isn’t doing her part to make it work. D/s is a lot of work for both partners, and isn’t something to be jumped into too quickly or taken lightly.
—–
Now, to review, you can mix and match the forms of power exchange however suits you and your partner(s). And it is often different from one partner to the next. Some people fit the classic roles of Dom/Top/Sadist and Sub/Bottom/Masochist. Some people switch between sadism and masochism, while always remaining a Dom and top. Some people switch between topping and bottoming. Do you see the point I’m getting at here?
You can be any combination of those six roles in any given relationship, and that includes NOT being one of them, even when, traditionally, the others may apply.
Wanting to be in control in the bedroom does NOT automatically make you a Dom. (Say it again for the fuckboys in the back.)
Enjoying rough sex and spanking does NOT automatically make you a sub.
And you can very well be a Dom who doesn’t physically punish his sub or enjoy rough sex. And you can easily be a submissive who does not get spanked.
The definition of these terms is much broader than my summary, and will differ from person to person. Don’t pigeonhole yourself by feeling you need to adhere to a stereotypical definition of any of these terms or roles.
And if you feel I missed something, and it’s possible I did, as this is based entirely on my reading and experiences in my local community, let’s talk about it.
